If You’re Going to Shell out $6 for Some Candy at the Movie Theater, It Better Be One of These 5
Yes, what would going to see A Guy Drives Real Fast and Something Blows Up(or even A Girl’s Heart Gets Broken But Then Things Get Better And Then Almost Don’t But No They Do) withoutdelicious, way overpriced and over-buttered popcorn, HUGE-ass sodas, maybe even a hot dog or six and of course… the candy. HUGE boxes of overpriced candy, yes, but it’s all part of the experience. Unless you snuck some in from the convenience store, you clever devil! And now… the candy!
5 Sour Patch Kids!
Now listen, Sour Patch Kids are delicious, we know. Do they deserve a higher spot on the list? Maybe. You could probably convince us if you tried really hard for a really long time, and also you bribed us. So why is this sour-then-sweet marvel at the most humble spot in our ranking? One reason only: that strange, painful phenomenon we can only refer to as “Sour Patch Kids Tongue Syndrome.” Oh, you know all about SPKTS, don’t you, friend? It’s a painful, terrible condition, and the only known cures are to A: slow it down and sip some water or B: only eat 35 – 45 SPKs at a time. A tall order.
4 Number 4: Cookie Dough Bites!
Why can’t we find these things anywhere else but the movie theater? OK maybe in some stores sometimes but not much, dammit! I mean, it’s a little ball of cookie dough that is dipped in milk chocolate, how can you go wrong? They do tend to get a bit melty on you, but that’s the price of flavor, sir or madam. And kudos to the Betty Mills Company for figuring out how to make delicious cookie dough filled candy without the risk of salmonella! They… they did figure that out, right?
Well, Twizzlers. Twizzlers take the middle spot. This fine strawberry rope of deliciousness is a bit more ubiquitous than our #2 or #4 entries, but it is in a strong spot because the movie theater Twizzler is special compared to the “standard” Twizzler. How, you ask? Well, at most American theaters, if you buy a bag of Twizzlers, it is so large it has a slight gravitational pull, often affecting the tides of large bodies of water (or is that… is that the moon?).
If you have had lots of dental work done over the years, you may want to move on the #3, because #2 is like some sort of evil oral glue, except that it tastes great. Or rather they taste great, because our #2 is the JuJuBes! Hm, another classic old candy, huh? Oh well, they’re delicious. And we feel strongly about that precisely because their taste is not over the top: not too sugary, not sour, just perfect for, well, shoving your face full of them. Remember, these are the best movie theater candies, we’re not saying they’re the best all around.
1 Milk Dud
Our #1 Movie Theater Candy choice is the venerable Milk Dud. There is just something about the wondrous simplicity of this classic candy, the pure, honest blending of that milk chocolate coating wrapped in a loving embrace about the caramel center. Mhmm, we say. Mhmm. Also, we only ever seem to get Milk Duds at the theater, and that kind of elevates them.
Now off you go to catch some cinematic classics as A Bunch of Teens Who Don’t See That It Was The Coach All Along And Some of Them Get Stabbed or… um… a re-release of Citizen Kane. Yeah.